Being able to empathize with someone else is technically known as perspective-taking, a habit that helps couples improve their relationships. But after researchers studied more than 100 psychology students in exclusive relationships through a series of tests, including a self-esteem scale and open-ended responses to questions about their partner, they found that those with low self-esteem were worse at perspective-taking, felt less secure about their partner’s love, and were less satisfied with their relationship overall when trying to see things from their side. Why? Researchers say perspective-taking has an element of evaluation to it. (Seeing the situation from your partner’s eyes means that inevitably, you’re looking at yourself.) Those with low self-esteem are more likely to become preoccupied with how their partner sees them trying to see their point of view. Exhausting as that sounds, it also promotes pessimism and negative feelings toward the person they’re trying to empathize with. Painful as it might be for some, perspective-taking is helpful in a relationship, says Ramani Durvasula, PhD, a professor of psychology at University of California-Los Angeles. “The best way for a relationship to grow forward and not [suffer] when one party is unable to engage is perspective-taking,” she says. “It’s not realistic to expect your partner to never engage in understanding the other’s point of view.” But since the present study finds that some people are better perspective-takers than others, is there something that people with low self-esteem can do instead? “Bolster the self-esteem of a person within a relationship,” says Dr. Durvasula. “You can do this by taking good physical care of yourself, engaging in meaningful activities, and considering couples’ therapy. Working on sharing and communication within the relationship could be a way to build up empathy on both sides.”
