Sure, Sheri the secretary has been replaced by voice mail. But Mona the teller has also given way to an ATM, Joey the pump jockey has been replaced by a credit card-activated gas pump, and Thelma the telephone operator has been bounced in favor of binary code. Even recreational shopping—that ancient bonding ritual of female connectedness—has been replaced by ordering stuff online. Most of the time, swapping human contacts for electronic ones looks as though it’s saving us time, money, and aggravation. But it’s occurring at a time in which our culture itself is disconnected. Divorce is common, job-jumping a way of life, corporate transfers the price of upward mobility, and strong community and religious institutions too often a thing of the past. The result is an epidemic of isolation. And the cost may be higher than most of us think. Studies show that the fewer human connections we have at home, at work, and in the community, the more likely we are to get sick, flood our brains with anxiety-causing chemicals, and die prematurely. More from Prevention: 8 Friends Every Woman Needs The good news is that those same studies also show that the more human connections we have, the more likely we are to live long and prosper. “Connectedness is as much a protective factor—probably more—than lowering your blood pressure, losing weight, quitting smoking, or wearing your seat belt,” says psychiatrist Edward M. Hallowell, MD, instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of Connect: 12 Vital Ties That Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, and Deepen Your Soul. “It’s the unacknowledged key to emotional and physical health—and that’s medical fact.” “You don’t have to have a multitude of friends or be a gregarious, back-slapping kind of person to lead a connected life,” says Dr. Hallowell. Nor do you have to give up voice mail, e-mail, or any other electronic conveniences. What you do need to do is develop close relationships—at home, in the community, and on the job. Here’s how to start: Make your favorite connections. “Think of all the millions of ways to connect, then think of the ones you like best, and make them a habit,” says Dr. Hallowell. “Eat dinner with your family, keep up with friends, attend meetings of organizations you believe in, read aloud to your child, visit grandma and/or grandpa, go to city hall and find out what’s going on, walk in the park.” Keep your connections simple and convenient. “Do lunch” regularly. Structure connections into your life on a regular basis, urges Dr. Hallowell. We often hear it said that meaningful connections between people should be spontaneous, but it just doesn’t work that way. “Instead, our good intentions turn into, ‘Well, let’s do lunch sometime,’ " says Dr. Hallowell. “The speed of modern life just picks you up and carries you away. And all the good feelings of the moment are lost.” Schedule a lunch with your best friend every month, and make the last Tuesday of the month “go shopping with Aunt Lila” day. Ditch the bloodsuckers. The only way to make room for meaningful relationships is to get rid of the connections that aren’t rewarding for you, says Dr. Hallowell. Everyone knows someone who drains their energy and saps their strength. Choose not to let them do it. Renew your faith. Going to church or synagogue is a great way to get in touch with something greater than yourself and structure spiritual connections into your life, says Dr. Hallowell. And you don’t have to be religious to benefit from churchgoing, he says. “Even if you don’t have a lot of faith, even if you’re sort of wishy-washy about it, just sitting in church and thinking big thoughts for an hour a week is good for you. There are even studies now that show that people who do that live longer.” More from Prevention: 20 Ways To Get More Pleasure In Your Life Media Platforms Design Team Make good use of technology. With families in a constant state of flux these days, we tend to lose track of one another except at holidays. Yet holidays are a pretty stressful time to reconnect, says Dr. Hallowell. So take a few minutes each month to “reach out and touch” relatives scattered around the country. What are your twin cousins in South Carolina up to this week? How’s your elderly aunt’s arthritis? Pick up the phone. At less than 10 cents a minute, it’s a cheap way to connect. You can also write or e-mail. There’s nothing more cheery than hearing “You’ve got mail!” when you log on. Make peace with the family jerk. There’s one in every family—the jerk who, a zillion years ago, either…
borrowed money and didn’t repay itcheated on your cousindidn’t help when your parents were old and ailingcalled you a liarcalled your husband a liar
Turn your workplace into a community. Nothing can reduce stress at work as well as a feeling of camaraderie. Think of ways to bring your coworkers together—then take the initiative, and make it happen. Roberta, the office manager at one disconnected office where I worked, once bought three half-gallons of low-fat ice cream and frozen yogurt, rounded up some plastic spoons, paper cups, and napkins, dumped them in the office conference area, then put out the word on office e-mail: An ice-cream social is taking place in 5 minutes—no take-outs allowed. Everybody came. And everybody connected. In fact, Roberta’s ploy to connect her coworkers worked so well that ice-cream socials became a company tradition. Just do it. “Barge right in, and open the door,” says Dr. Hallowell. “If you think about it too much, you’ll put it off for another 5 years. So pick up the phone, write a letter, go see him. Whatever it takes, just do it.” Get to know your ancestors. Visiting the cemetery where your beloved relatives are buried—especially with your children-can connect you both to the past and with your family today. If you have some spare time and a computer, you can start a genealogical search for your ancestors. A friend of mine did that and increased her family circle; she found an uncle and cousins she didn’t know she had, and they’ve all become very close. Honor family rituals. Sunday afternoon picnics, Fourth of July barbecues, lakeside camp outs, and coming-of-age blowouts are all important parts of building family connections. Move heaven and earth to attend them—and make sure your kids do, too. Pet your pet. It’s almost impossible to stay disconnected when animals are around. People who have pets feel better and live longer, says Dr. Hallowell. And pets are particularly good for people who work at home and are less likely to connect with humans on a daily basis. (See more ways pets keep you healthy and happy.) Know thy neighbors. “Have them over often enough so you really connect,” says Dr. Hallowell. How do you know if you’ve established a connection? “A good test is to ask yourself, `Do I trust them enough to leave my house keys with them when my family goes away on vacation?’ " If the answer is no, it may be time to schedule a game of over-the-fence volleyball—or, at the very least, invite them to dinner. Talk to older people. Older folks are natural historians, says Dr. Hallowell. Get them talking, and you’ll be surprised at how much you’ll learn. Start with elderly relatives. If possible, tape their reminiscences and transcribe them into a book you can share with other family members. Or just wander around a community park, or lean against the fence at your local ballpark. Sooner or later, one or two older folks will come to sit on a bench. All you have to do is comment about the weather—then sit back, and let them connect you to your community’s past. Smile in the elevator. “Take trivial contact seriously,” says Dr. Hallowell. Wave at neighbors you haven’t met, stop to exchange a couple of words with someone at the office watercooler, ask the cafeteria worker where she went on vacation. A friend of mine used to wait until the elevator door was closed, then turn to his fellow travelers and say, “I guess you’re wondering why I called you all here today.” He got some strange stares—and more than a few laughs. But he made connections!” More from Prevention: Quiz: How Healthy Are Your Friendships?
