The problem was that I’d started waking up at night wondering if I was on the right path. I was tired of spending my days alone with a microscope and an office full of journal articles. But it took almost two years of deliberation before I was able to take the risky plunge into a new field called behavioral medicine. As it turned out, it was a smart move. My new career satisfied my soul’s desire to be with people instead of petri dishes and was the external manifestation of my heart’s clearest vision to be a healer. Though I made the right choice to bail out of the lab, I’ve had a much harder time reaching clarity in troubled relationships. Knowing when to stay the course and when to let go isn’t easy. It’s a skill that everyone needs to learn, and one that transcends platitudes like “quitters never win.” Thomas Edison may have failed thousands of times before he finally invented the light bulb, but many other inventors fail thousands of times and never see the light at all. Hanging in there despite repeated failures isn’t necessarily a sign of strong character. It can sometimes be a message that you’re throwing good energy after bad and need to make a fresh start. But how do you know which it is?
Questions to Ask Yourself
A friend of mine is an aspiring writer, but in more than a decade of trying, she’s never had anything published. That’s okay if you’re writing for your own enjoyment and insight; however, she’s still desperately hoping to become the next Anne Lamott. Repeated rejections are eating away her self-esteem, yet she can’t seem to realistically consider that writing isn’t her strength. No one likes to admit failure or that a cherished dream is over, but letting go of what isn’t working frees up energy that’s better spent on something else. When you’re not sure when to hold and when to fold, here are a few questions that can help you discern the best path. [pagebreak]
Am I riding a dead horse?
There’s wisdom in a saying attributed to the Dakota Indians, “When the horse is dead, it’s time to dismount.” If your spouse is abusive, for instance, you know you need to go—and you need immediate help if you can’t find the courage to do it. On the other hand, perhaps you and your spouse bicker but are both committed to making the relationship work. With enough willingness, and perhaps some therapy, old wounds can be turned into wisdom, and you can still ride off into the sunset together.
Is the life I’m living the one I really want?
A friend of mine in her 40s had been a successful divorce lawyer for almost 20 years but gradually got worn down and disillusioned by the moral conundrums, heart-wrenching nastiness, and assorted forms of misery and abuse inherent in that kind of practice. After considering what would really make her happy, she decided to go to divinity school and become an Episcopal priest. She’s thrilled with her new direction and often says that she was born for the priesthood. Giving up her law practice and going back to school was a big financial setback for her family. What kept her going was her commitment to a future vision. The ability to visualize the life you really want, and to hold it in mind, opens up the routes that lead you there. Try imagining how you want your life to look in three years. Be specific and think about all the important areas, including your emotional and spiritual life, as well as the more obvious realms of career, lifestyle, and relationships. [pagebreak]
What am I afraid of?
Doubts and fears can easily sabotage your vision of a new future and prevent you from taking the steps to reach it. When I was contemplating divorce at 49, my biggest fear was that I was over the hill. I know it sounds silly, but I got obsessed with cellulite. Behind that superficial cosmetic fixation was the deeper fear that I’d never love and be loved by a man again. Like many women of my generation, I’d gone from my parents’ home to college to marriage. I’d never been by myself for more than a few months at a time. Girlfriends who were used to living alone tried to tell me how much fun it could be, and sometimes it was. But it was also lonely at times. The best way to deal with fear is to feel it, name it, and do what needs doing in spite of it. It’s not that your fears will evaporate or prove insubstantial. But chances are you’ll rise to the challenge and become a stronger person through the very act of living your life intentionally and consciously, which always involves facing fear, uncertainty, and the fact that nothing in life is guaranteed.
Why do I feel stuck?
It’s easy to complain about a dead-end job, a lousy relationship, or investments that have gone south. But the more important question to ask yourself is, Why haven’t I done anything about it? We are often our own biggest enemy. Sometimes lack of motivation comes from an underlying depression or a lifelong pattern of feeling helpless. If this is true for you, there’s a lot of help out there. University of Pennsylvania psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD, has developed behavioral therapy programs that can help you become more optimistic and effective. (Check out his book, Learned Optimism.) But even if you’re willing and able, change can seem overwhelming. The best approach to overcoming resistance to a big task is to break the process down into small steps. So, for example, instead of quitting your job and enrolling in college—very scary—ign up for a class that gives you a taste of the career you think might be better for you. Most important, take the time to patiently and honestly examine your life. Does your current situation provide opportunities for creativity, love, and growth? If you’re running from the past without knowing where you’re going, you’re likely to arrive back where you started. Give yourself the room and time to dream a new life. Then face your fears and take a bold step into the future.
Go? Stay?
Imagine that you’re 100 years old, looking back on your life. Think about what it would’ve been like if you’d stayed with what you’re doing now. Think about whether there’s another vision you’d like to see instead. More from Prevention: How To Cope With Change
